Having an attitude of gratitude has always been in my nature, but a cancer diagnosis has a way of intensifying a thankful heart. As many are preparing for Thanksgiving, shopping for the traditional dish ingredients, and making travel plans, my family and I are focused on today. Today I will begin the new chemotherapy regimen, Pacitaxel. The drug is the cousin to the first round of chemotherapy I started in August, which caused a rare and very painful allergic reaction.
My oncologist (GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN!) is not confident I will make it through this one; however, she wants to try it because it gives me the best odds of survival. She wants to complete 12 weekly rounds. However, she cannot promise I will not react, so she is monitoring me closely and dosing me with a lot of premedications to ensure we take every precaution we can.
As I prepare this morning for what is coming, I am thankful for so many things. First, I am grateful for the Great Physician and Comforter, Jesus Christ. He has been so incredibly present in this season, and I know and love him deeper than before. I am also grateful for this cancer, because it has undoubtedly helped prioritize my life and purpose. Some may say that it is weird to be thankful for a deadly disease, but it is a gift that I have been given to see life through a fresh perspective.
I am also thankful my oncologist gave me an extra week off from chemo to spend with my grandchildren, heal from my painful mouth sores, and the itchy and burning skin blisters that had covered my hands, arms, chest, back, and shoulders. I was able to have three overnights with our 2-year-old grandson, Alastair, while his parents were in the hospital with our newest grandbaby, Harrison.
When the cancer journey began, I begged everyone in my family not to change their lives for me. However, when we learned the cancer was not contained and had spread, everyone ignored me. I am so thankful I am loved enough that all of my kids are relocating near me, even the ones in Alaska and Hawaii. Nehemiah and Maisi moved from Alaska in late summer, and I can walk to their house on my good days, as it is only one mile away. In a few weeks, Evelyn and Connor will be leaving Hawaii on a humanitarian package to be closer as I go through treatments. Lilyan is still living with us as she is going to college, and I am so thankful for the nights she has rubbed my aching back, wiped tears from my eyes, and prayed over me. I have always known all five of our kids are amazing, but this year they have really shown love and character that have humbled me. I am so blessed and honored to be their mother, and I am beyond excited to have all my kids living in the same time zone for the first time since 2020.
My sister and mom, both nurses, transitioned down a few weeks ago, and have taken me for walks on the beach, celebrated my birthday, and helped me clean my house. We have enjoyed time sitting side by side and just being present. I know Gavin appreciates it too because I am not annoying him about being lonely, as he works full-time and is very busy during the day. My company and leadership have been fantastic and put me on disability leave so that I can do the work of healing, which I did not realize how much I would need, and I am so grateful for it.
So many people have sent me gifts, cards, and prayers, and I am beyond thankful for all of the amazing humans I am humbled to know and love. Thank you to all of you out there who send me messages, gifts, donations toward medical expenses, and prayers. I feel so loved, I cannot even express the healing power of your kindness.
I have had many reach out to ask what they can do, and I am working on articulating more clearly what we need.
My loved ones: I know that watching someone you love suffer is really hard. I try to keep the pain and suffering as quiet as I can, but there are days I am physically overcome, and they see my tears as I am curled into a ball, letting worship music wash over me. Please pray for their hearts and that they each have connections that bring them joy and community, so their lives do not revolve around my cancer.
Pain, chills, and Fatigue: This week, I have been struggling with bone and muscle pain, chills, and fatigue. When I walk, the pain and chills get worse as energy is expended, but I need to be moving because it helps fight the cancer, too. I know that the fatigue and pain will continue to be compounded as we move forward with each dose, so if you could pray for these things, I would genuinely appreciate it.
Mouth sores and skin blisters: I also ask that you ask God to keep the mouth sores and nausea away, as I have lost about 12 pounds since starting the last four rounds of chemo, and have twelve more rounds to go. I was absolutely miserable with the skin blisters, so I am really hoping these continue to heal and do not happen again.
PT: Plus, I have started PT, as I am healed enough that the painful process of stretching and moving my arms above my head and out to my sides has begun. Once I start radiation, I will be required to hold my arms in positions I cannot physically do since surgery. Therefore, prayers for this to go smoothly so I can be prepared for the next step of the cancer-fighting process would be appreciated.
I do not deserve the love I am blessed with, but I am beyond grateful. Each day is a gift, and I hope each of you takes the time every day to be still, be present, and be thankful.
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