Cancer Treatments, What-ifs, and the Faithfulness of God

This last week, I have tried to wrap my mind, body, and soul around the idea that I have a disease that has progressed enough that I need chemotherapy treatment. I have struggled with the fears and the frustration that toxic chemicals will be pumped into my body. The hope is that this aggressive approach will destroy any of the cancer cells that are lurking and searching for a place to plant the seed of death. I'm grappling with the decision to do it or not.

Do I proceed with the treatment, as it offers only a 2–3% chance of preventing metastasis or recurrence, while carrying risks like a chance of causing another type of cancer, permanent hair loss, numbness and tingling in the hands and feet, and potentially being fatal? Yet, the oncologist stated it is the best chance to eradicate the cancer before it spreads to other parts of my body, where it would become treatable but incurable. Of course, it is not a guarantee that it will make a difference, as it could come back anyway.

During the day, I research everything I can to understand the choice ahead of me better, and I work hard to have some control over the what-ifs that are trying to overtake my mind. Reading scripture, writing, taking walks, talking to God, and spending time with my family help me cope. Yet, each night as I crawl into bed, it is not as easy to take the thoughts captive.

While lying in the dark, my mind begins to be invaded by the what-ifs, fears, and doubts that come with this diagnosis. Last night was no different. As I was listening to my husband's rhythmic breathing, tears slowly escaped down my cheeks as I thought about the what-ifs. It hurts to think about how brave and faithful Gavin has been through all of the long drives to appointments, unsettling news with our medical team, arguing on my behalf with insurance companies and doctors slowing the process of care, and having to deal with the feelings that come from considering the possibility of losing your person. I will not allow myself to be overcome by the pain of thinking about the what-ifs, and instead, I began considering the truths I know of God from scripture.

I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me as I began to go through each book of the Bible in my mind, and asking what God has revealed about His character and faithfulness. I was thinking it would help me to fall asleep, but instead, by the time I had gone through the one-word truths from the Torah (the first five books of the Old Testament), I knew God's Word was inviting me in for a divine connection.

So, I climbed out of bed, grabbed my Bible, sticky notes, and a pen, and tiptoed into the living room where light would not wake my husband. I flipped open to Genesis 1, and the words Creation and Balance leapt from the page at me. In the beginning, God created everything in six days and rested on the seventh. He created day and night, water and sky, land and plants, sun and the moon and stars, sea creatures and birds, animals and mankind—male and female—and finally He rested. God created each of these things with balance and order in mind.

God created you, and He made me. He knew us before we were born, and He created us for good. It hit me that God also knew we would need balance in our lives when He made each one of us. He modeled it from the very beginning by the way He worked. There is goodness in that balance, and we would not appreciate one without the other. God also gave us the gift of rest, which balances out creation's need to work and to rest. In this cancer diagnosis, there have been so many blessings, and although I do not believe God gave me cancer, I know he will help me find goodness and balance through it.

Over the next two hours, I worked my way through the Word, flipping pages to each book and rereading the highlighted and underlined sections, scanning the words I had written in the margins, and lovingly touching the sticky notes with dates from answered prayers. Within each of the 66 books, I selected a word or short phrase that summarized what God has revealed to me when I read these words in the past. I recorded those words on hot pink sticky notes and tabbed them in my Bible.

I compiled a list of the faithfulness of God found in the beautiful words that spoke to me, drew me in closer to Him, and helped me build a relationship with Jesus over the years. In twenty years of reading scripture, I have never seen these truths laid out the way He did for me tonight. Through my role as a faithful follower of Christ and reader of scripture, I came to recognize that God was revealing His faithfulness in my life. In being faithful to open His Word, God had been showing me His faithfulness. Time and again, He has walked with me. Time and again, He has provided. Time and again, He has proven that His faithfulness does not depend on mine.

The words filled me with a feeling so overwhelming that I knew it could only be from the Holy Spirit. Jesus spoke to me through His helper, allowing me to recognize that God's faithfulness was something I had experienced time and time again. Therefore, I can trust in His continued faithfulness in this season. God showed me that He wants good things for me, and that means He will not deliver me from suffering, but He will walk faithfully with me through it.

So, this week, the Word will join me with hot pink tabs of evidence that reveal His faithfulness through time. As I walk with Jesus and my amazing partner in life, Gavin, into chemotherapy treatment, I know I am not alone. I am covered by His blood and all the truths He has showered upon my life as His goodness and faithfulness continue to work for me, in me, and through me.

P.S. God Wink: This was today's worship song at church

If you are curious about all of my words:

Old Testament (39 Books)

1. Genesis — Created and Balance

2. Exodus — Rescues, Provides, Delivers

3. Leviticus — Guides, Holiness, Rest

4. Numbers — Prepares us in the Wandering, Sanctifies us in the waiting

5. Deuteronomy — Encourages and humbles

6. Joshua — Promised land, Strengthens and Encourages

7. Judges — Restoration in relationship, cycles of repentance

8. Ruth — Family and moral character

9. 1 Samuel — Listen and follow God, courage to face giants

10. 2 Samuel — 1 person and one choice can make a difference

11. 1 Kings —God wants to live in our hearts, not a sanctuary. True wisdom comes from knowing God

12. 2 Kings — Exiled when we fail to make God our true leader, which leads to division and idolatry

13. 1 Chronicles — Unification of God's people, 

14. 2 Chronicles — Restoration through Worship

15. Ezra — Renewal, Rededication, Restoration

16. Nehemiah — Strength and Rebuild when we take a stand for the Lord

17. Esther — Purpose and Providence "Such a time as this"

18. Job — Suffering and true faith

19. Psalms — Worship/Praise and poetic expression of emotions

20. Proverbs — Wisdom and Moral Instruction

21. Ecclesiastes — Meaning of life, and a time for all things

22. Song of Solomon — Love, Sanctity, and Beauty of Marriage

23. Isaiah — Salvation- We were dead in sin, but there is hope in the coming Messiah

24. Jeremiah — Judgment- Turn from sin and turn to God

25. Lamentations — Mourning- God suffers when we do

26. Ezekiel — Glorify God and repent in the hope of a Messiah

27. Daniel — Sovereignty and stand for God, for He is in the Lion's Den and the fire with us

28. Hosea — Faithful - We are all sinners 

29. Joel — Day (of the Lord)- God loves us 

30. Amos — Justice- We must repent

31. Obadiah — Pride causes the fall

32. Jonah — Mercy- Chase after the Messiah

33. Micah — Walk (humbly) and Obey

34. Nahum — Repent and obey

35. Habakkuk — Faith- God is in control

36. Zephaniah — Purified through the Messiah

37. Haggai — Built up again

38. Zechariah — Messiah is coming

39. Malachi — Covenant

New Testament (27 Books)

40. Matthew — King, Miracles and Healing 

41. Mark — Servant, Serve others

42. Luke — Savior, Sacrifice

43. John — Son, love, and give

44. Acts — Church is the people- Holy Spirit helper

45. Romans — Gospel- How to live and love like Jesus

46. 1 Corinthians — Unity and love

47. 2 Corinthians — Strength and life

48. Galatians — Freedom from the old laws- It is finished

49. Ephesians —Relationships and put on the Armor of God

50. Philippians — Joy

51. Colossians — What Christians should do

52. 1 Thessalonians — Please God, not people

53. 2 Thessalonians — Wait- He is coming

54. 1 Timothy — Order Instruction to be a soldier for Christ

55. 2 Timothy — Endurance and encouragement

56. Titus —Character and  Good Works as a citizen of Christ

57. Philemon — Forgiveness and share your testimony and the gospel

58. Hebrews — Suffering and superiority of Christ 

59. James — Faith/Works - Behaviors of a Christian

60. 1 Peter — Encouragement in Suffering

61. 2 Peter — Truth

62. 1 John — Love and Assurance of who Christ is

63. 2 John — Truth & Love

64. 3 John — Unreasonable Hospitality and Reputation Matters

65. Jude — Strong in faith

66. Revelation — Victory- Hope in the return of Christ